Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
