I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
