Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
