you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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