that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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