i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
