walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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