The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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