I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
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You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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