I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just want nice things and good sex
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
