Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
