The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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