I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
