I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
