I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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