Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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