when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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