why didn't you poke me back
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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