i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
