You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
