just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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