Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
