Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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