my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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