Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Randomize
