Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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