so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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