Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
