When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
