her facebook's as public as her vagina
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
