I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
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I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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