Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
