God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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