Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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