I heard we made out
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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