If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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