im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
