I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Green mimosas i think yes
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
