I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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