We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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