I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
