You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
