maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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