Welp...herpes.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
