Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
