There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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