drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize