Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
