just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
