she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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