Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
