You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?