No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink