i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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