I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
