U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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