tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
