Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
