mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
