I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
