i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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