sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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