Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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